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 The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.

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PostSubject: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Fri Jan 01, 2016 10:23 am

You're walking through the main gates, taking in all of the beautiful surroundings. The main reception is coming up ahead past the beautiful trees. You look to the right and see a lake, the water is clear and you can see the fish swimming gracefully through it. You then take a look to the left and see North Academy's Hieratic Dragon King of Atum fountain. The water is shooting out of the fountain and into the small stream that runs softly but quickly around the base.
   
   Your attention is quickly diverted from your beautiful surroundings as you hear the most heavenly noise you could possibly hear in your entire life. You quickly look to the beautiful clear blue sky in an attempt to see what could possibly have created such an enchanting noise and what you see could possibly be one of the most, mesmerizing sights of all time. One of the three, Mighty Gods of Old. Crimson Sunbird. He plummets down towards the ground and just as you prepare for a loud collision from where the Mighty Being would collide with the shiny marble pathway, you hear a soft thud and look up just in time to witness it land gracefully in front of you, in order to greet you as you enter this wonderful academy.

   He looks you in the eyes and without speaking a word you hear his voice inside your head. "I am the being of old. The God that those loyal to this academy follow. It is my job to show you the path of the Sunbird, to ensure that you do not lead astray. You must ultimately follow your own path, but in the process of doing so, heed my warning. Follow the path of the Sunbird and all will be well. Welcome to North Academy." He steps to one side and allows you to proceed in to the Main Reception.

   With his words echoing within the walls of your head, you walk slowly past him, proceeding to cross the small wooden bridge that leads to the Main Reception. You look back for a brief moment. The Being of Old is nowhere to be seen, but without questioning it as much as you should, you walk up to the doors of steel, knocking the door with the provided knocker, thrice.

Your story has begun.






Side Note.
_________________________________________________________________
I noticed no one has posted in this part of the forum before, so I decided I would post this and continue to post chapters like this every week or month. Not decided yet. Hope you enjoy it.
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hazmah
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Fri Jan 01, 2016 10:50 am

Wait, who's the third gods of old? Sunbird and Trent aer 2 and who's the other?
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Fri Jan 01, 2016 10:51 am

That's one of the mysteries! Smile

Keep reading them when I post and you'll eventually find out! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Fri Jan 01, 2016 10:54 am

It's prob exodia.
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Fri Jan 01, 2016 10:55 am

I can confirm it's not Exodia... That would be so anti-climatic! xD
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Fri Jan 01, 2016 10:58 am

Noden? Or that outer god card?
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Fri Jan 01, 2016 10:58 am

Nope, you'll find out eventually... xD
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Sat Jan 02, 2016 6:38 am

Starlight dragon? Horakhty?
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Sat Jan 02, 2016 6:50 am

It follows the same lines as Crimson Sunbird. Seriously though, you'll find out as I post more. I just hope you enjoy reading it. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Sat Jan 02, 2016 6:57 am

Okay sorry but there is one sentence in that to which I just cannot even.

"One of the three, Mighty Gods of Old."

What you are really saying there is. "One of the three *PAUSE* mighty gods of old" which doesn't really make much sense.

I'd suggest you either add in an extra comma to make it, "One of the three, mighty, gods of old" or you just ditch the comma all together to make, "One of the three mighty gods of old."

Even on that sentence alone you don't need a full stop. It's not exactly creating much suspense at all, and tbh you would do better with a comma in there. Yes, the full stop comprehends well, but it's not really A* material.


Also, the chapter is really short. A chapter should be more than just 4 short paragraphs followed by "your story has begun.", just saying.


Also, add suspense at that last sentence please by using an ellipsis. Maybe that would make the story at least bearable for me to read.

I have more criticism, but I'd actually like to spend a part of 2016 off of my laptop. If you don't get what I am implying there - it's really simple. There are too many criticisms to go through.

Also, third one has to be shapesnatch. I fucking created that religion back in VDA. It spread to my ovaries and back, which is like 9 miles. 10 if you count how far down into the ground my ovaries are.
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PostSubject: Re: The Beings of Old: Chapter 1.   Sat Jan 02, 2016 7:07 am

One of three, Mighty Gods of Old.

Nothing wrong with the comma there, but thank you for the suggestion.
I decided to post them short and sweet, in order to keep people interested without them coming on and reading pages at a time. If you have criticism that's fine, but so far I have no problems with what I've written.

Thanks anyway. Smile
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